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The title of this post might seem shocking to you.
But I just couldn’t find any more fitting title to summarize the main idea of this post.
And most importantly, the title truly reflects what I think about my husband: Mr. FAF.
You might be wondering how Mr. FAF would react if he saw this article.
But I don’t mind if he does. I’ve told him in person almost everything I will be writing below.
You might also be thinking that it’s not romantic to rat out your spouse in public.
But I prefer to be transparent.
What would my personal finance blog look like if I chose not to address the most pressing issues in my life?
After all, marriage is not always about romance, red wine, chocolate-covered strawberries, and roses.
The truth is that Mr. FAF and I argue, disagree, get angry, and sometimes don’t talk to each other for days.
Related: How To Deal With Spousal Envy
In writing this post, I hope to better understand the dynamic of our marriage to improve it.
More importantly, I want to let others know that if they are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they are not alone.
Over the past 4.5 years of marriage, I have realized one painful truth about our relationship: I don’t trust my husband 100% with money and many other aspects in life. And let me explain to you why.
What is trust?
When you trust someone, it means that you have confidence in them, according to Cambridge Dictionary. In other words, you have little doubt in their ability to achieve a certain outcome.
I trust Mr. FAF enough to sign a legal document with him that states that we will be legally bound to each other and will share all the financial profits, family responsibilities, and liabilities in our lives.
I have also trusted Mr. FAF enough to make him be the son-in-law of my parents, the father of my children, and potentially the grandfather of my grandchildren.
If I have so much trust with him, should I then not have any doubt in his ability to achieve something?
As a wife, I should believe in my husband and support him in every step of the way. I should let him make decisions, do things his own way, support his future plans, gladly accept any consequences/results of his action, and never question his intentions.
But that’s not the case.
I have doubts about Mr. FAF’s actions and plans in various shapes and forms. In many cases, such doubt has taken a toll on our marriage. In some cases, however, my doubt has helped Mr. FAF improve his life quality in ways he never expected.
Where I lack trust in Mr. FAF
Life is full of surprises, but I can say with confidence that I trust that Mr. FAF is a faithful man.
However, I didn’t come to this conclusion overnight.
Mr. FAF and I dated for only 3 months before getting engaged. We were engaged for another 2 months before getting married.
Mr. FAF revealed in my interview with him that he knew I was the one two months into the relationship.
I don’t remember when I realized that he was the one. I think I might have just gone with the flow.
We spent three out of those 5 months prior to our marriage apart. I moved to DC to start a new chapter of my life while Mr. FAF stayed in his city to finish his PhD program.
Although we had been friends for a year before we started dating, I didn’t get to spend enough time with Mr. FAF to get to know him better. I coped with such incomplete information by filling all of the unknowns with suspicion.
Most of such suspicious was not well founded. For example, every year his program would have new graduate students. I was always curious about whether any of those female students were pretty or even single.
I would ask Mr. FAF for his opinions, and he would tell me the truth. His honesty sometimes landed him in trouble through no fault of his own (i.e. admitting that some girl was pretty).
Mr. FAF, on the other hand, very rarely got jealous of other men. He was fine with me going out to lunch with or getting a frequent ride from a male friend.
After realizing what trusting husband Mr. FAF was, I adjusted my behavior and increased my trust in him to a point where I am totally fine with him going out to lunch with a female friend or colleague, something I strongly objected to before.
Related: Did You Win The Husband Lottery?
This is one area where Mr. FAF and I used to fight the most about. Mr. FAF loves eating out with his friends.
He also makes many purchases that I think are not necessary.
When we were living apart, I would ask Mr. FAF about the major purchases on his credit card in a month.
I always reminded him to not spend too much money on unimportant things, but somehow that reminder didn’t always stick with him.
At one point, I just got so tired of tracking his expenses that I decided to not stress about money anymore.
I made a promise to myself not to get upset about what Mr. FAF buys.
If I don’t like it, I will try to explain to him in words in the most calm way possible. After all, Mr. FAF is very frugal and borderline cheap sometimes.
After a lot of persuasion, I finally got him on the same page about maxing our 401(k). We later realized that by doing so, each of us will have $1 million in 25 years. If I had trusted Mr. FAF’s decision, our retirement investment would look abysmal right now.
3. Hygiene standards
Mr. FAF admitted that ever since we started dating, he has significantly improved his hygiene standards.
Mr. FAF used to live with three other guys in a 3-bedroom apartment (Mr. FAF lived in the living room).
I was in shock the first time I saw his place. Let’s say that his apartment needed lots of cleaning.
That time, I asked him to wash all of his bedding and pillow.
His shower frequency also went from once every two to three days to once every day.
When we lived in different cities, I would not trust that Mr. FAF kept up that shower schedule and got suspicious when I saw him wear the same T-shirt two days in a row.
I really don’t care how often my friends shower or change their clothes. But Mr. FAF and I are husband and wife, and we share a lot of things together, including the bed and the whole house. I want to make sure that his hygiene is up to par.
Mr. FAF’s hygiene surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) has become the topic of many of our arguments.
4. Taking care of Baby FAF
I want Mr. FAF to spend more time with our son and take a more active role in caring for him. It could be taking our son for a walk on the weekends, changing his diaper without asking me for help, teaching him math, or playing fun games with him at home.
Mr. FAF has been trying to spend more time with our son, but I still don’t believe that it’s enough. And worse yet, I don’t feel comfortable leaving Baby FAF alone with Mr. FAF.
One time I got tired of doing housework every day and decided to go to a coffee shop on a Sunday. When I came back, Baby FAF came down with a cold and ended up getting an ear infection.
I am very patient when it comes to feeding our son. I can spend 1.5-2 hours spoon-feeding him to make sure he has enough food and will gain weight.
Mr. FAF, on the other hand, get frustrated when feeding our son since Baby FAF knows he can get away with anything and refuses to eat when I’m not around.
I don’t trust that Mr. FAF spends enough time with our son. But when he does, I still doubt if this care is good enough.
I take over most of the housework in our family. Below are what I do:
— Getting Baby FAF ready for daycare in the morning and picking him up after work in the afternoon
— Feeding our son and giving him a bath
— Cleaning the second floor and the bathrooms
— Doing and folding laundry
— Doing the dishes
— Helping my mother-in-law cook in the evenings and on the weekends
— Packing lunch for Mr. FAF and myself to take to work and Baby FAF to take to daycare
— Taking care of all the bills (i.e. mortgage, utilities, internet)
After writing about housework as a financial decision in a marriage, I got a lot of suggestions from you all to sit down and have a talk with Mr. FAF. I took your advice and asked Mr. FAF to take on more housework with me.
He agreed to do the dishes and the laundry on the weekends. However, deep down I still don’t feel good about it. I don’t know if Mr. FAF remembers to wash all the dirty dishes or if I will need to do a second round of washing.
When it comes to laundry, Mr. FAF doesn’t check for all the dirty towels or clothes that can be washed around the house.
I’m afraid that he will forget to wash my scarf or work vest, and that I will need to do another load of laundry, which will be a waste of both our time and money.
Mr. FAF has taken over the dish washing ever since I got pregnant. However, I still don’t trust him with our laundry.
6. House maintenance
Traditionally, housework is seen as the responsibility of the wife, and house maintenance the job of the husband.
In the FAF household, however, I have been the DYI handywoman with the help of YouTube.
In Mr. FAF’s defense, he has lived in a different city throughout most of our four-year marriage.
But even when he’s in DC, the situation doesn’t change much.
Whenever something breaks at our house, Mr. FAF’s immediate reaction is to call a handyman while mine is to look up a solution online. I have tried to fix many things around the house by myself and even showed Mr. FAF how to do it.
For example, the sink in our bathroom got clogged. Mr. FAF was about to go to Home Depot to buy a series of tools when I told him that I could just fix it with a chopstick (true story!). I ended up fixing the clogged sink without spending any money.
When Mr. FAF decided to take the matters in his own hand and wanted to replace all the outlets in our house, I was supportive of his decision. But deep down I was scared.
Mr. FAF has no experiencing fixing any electronics or electricity-related problems. While I understand that he needs to start somewhere, I don’t know if messing around with outlets is either a good idea or a safe way to save money. But I will take a step back and let Mr. FAF do his magic.
Many of the topics mentioned above don’t seem to be a big deal in a marriage. After all, if we love someone so much, we won’t really care about their personal hygiene, right?
Well, not for me. Mr. FAF is the man of my dreams, but he needs to keep up his hygiene standards since I won’t take one shower every 3-4 days for an answer.
I wish I could say that I trust Mr. FAF 100% in every aspect of our life. But the fact is that I don’t. Not trusting someone can lead to doubt which can cause frustration and constant tension in a marriage.
I’m fully aware of that fact, and I’m learning to believe in Mr. FAF more while trying to show him my side of the argument. In a way, marriage has been a constant battle of compromises for us.
We win some, and we lose some. At the end of the day, if we can live with a decision we both agree on, then there’s still hope for a happy life ever after.