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This post was written a couple of months ago when I started having doubts about my own marriage as I mentioned in the posts below.
Since then, things have improved a lot between Mr. FAF and me, mostly due to our open communication and efforts to better ourselves (i.e. him being more hands-on with housework and me being more flexible).
Money & The Self-imposed Resentment
Are House Repairs Bad For Marriage?
The Pain Of Home Ownership – Our $3,000 Headache
Have you ever wondered even for a few seconds if it’s a mistake to get married?
Maybe the more appropriate question to ask is if it’s a mistake to marry a particular person.
Marriage is defined as “a legally accepted relationship between a man and a woman in which they live as husband and wife,” according to Cambridge Dictionary.
Marriage is a long-standing institution in mankind’s history, and there are undoubtedly great benefits this institution can bring (i.e. a stable family to raise kids, financial security, specialization).
In this post, I will not argue whether people should get married.
I just want to express my thoughts about the doubts that I have about marriage and discuss how I should resolve them.
Related: Dating, Marriage, Income & Background – Why They All Matter
Background
I respect my parents and don’t want to talk about them without their permission on this blog.
But since their marriage has such a strong influence on my perspective, I think it’s fair to discuss the aspects that pertain to my life.
I grew up in a poor family where my parents made low income.
Both of them only graduated high school and had a lot of difficulty making ends meet when I was growing up.
They fought constantly about money and other matters in life, which to some extent distorted my view of what a marriage is like (or maybe not).
I remember secretly hoping that my parents would get divorced one day so that I didn’t have to witness those verbal and physical fights. Let’s just say they scared the hell out of me and made me a depressed and withdrawn kid.
As I was growing up, like any other girls, I wanted to meet the right man to love and marry. However, a larger part of me was scarred by what happened to my parents, which made me not want to get married at all.
I just thought people got married because their brains are messed up by some mysterious chemicals under the name of love.
When such chemicals wear off, that’s when a couple realizes that they are stuck with kids, family responsibilities, and any kind of debt either or both of them has incurred.
I told my extended family about my decision to stay single for the rest of my life. They got freaked out and tried to talk me out of it.
Related: When You Are Ashamed Of Being Poor
My marriage
Even when Mr. FAF popped the question, I wasn’t even sure if I was ready. I wasn’t ready to date, to get married, to have a wedding, and even to be a mom.
Sometimes I felt like I was swept away by a storm of expectations from my family and society.
I wanted to fight back, but somehow I lost the power and just went with the flow.
And after 4.5 years of marriage, sometimes I look back and wonder what I’ve done or accomplished all these years.
How did I get this far and end up where I am today?
But I’m not blaming anyone. It was all my decisions no matter who influenced them.
There have been lots and ups and downs in our marriage, which was made more challenging because of the 4-year long distance, money (or the lack thereof), and the differences in our personality.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on the two opposite ends of a spectrum. When things go well between us, I feel that life is wonderful, and that I have found the right person and made the best decision of my life.
However, when things go awry, I feel stuck, frustrated, and hopeless. In such moments, I just want to get out of the situation as quickly as I can, which often leads me to think about divorce instead of going the more difficult route of resolving the problem.
In my mind, once I get out of the marriage, I won’t have to deal with all the arguments, anxiety, anger, and frustration that gnaw away at my brain. I want out. And I want out fast.
All the beautiful memories we’ve created together suddenly seem so insignificant and give way to negative thoughts.
I thought that I would stop thinking about divorce when we had our son. But I didn’t. I thought I would stop thinking about divorce when we were about to welcome our second baby. I didn’t.
In a nutshell, the word “divorce” pops into my head and dominates my thoughts more often than I’d like to admit.
Related: Are House Repairs Bad For Marriage?
Why divorce?
Then I realized nothing would stop such thoughts if I don’t change the way I think. But why is it that I keep thinking this way? Below are some of my theories:
— I am impatient and want to resolve an issue once and for all. Trying to reconcile the differences between my husband and me is an uphill battle. Putting an end to such clash sounds like a quick and permanent solution to me.
But I understand that getting divorced is a long process, especially when kids are involved. It’s not to mention all the emotional distress we, our kids, and our family have to go through.
— I am disillusioned with marriage. Seeing what my parents have gone through over the years, my fights with Mr. FAF reminds me that marriage is not all rosy and beautiful.
If you want the good part of it, you have to deal with the not so great one, which involves anything from your spouse’s habits and personality to how his family treats you and wants to interfere with your life.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the negative that I forget the positive even exist!
— I am independent and want to have control of my life. I grew up a stubborn kid, and I have no idea why. In fact, my nickname in kindergarten was “Stubborn.”
My mom told me that although I was a good kid overall, it was relatively difficult for her to discipline me when I did something wrong.
One time, my mom put me outside our house at night in total darkness to force me to apologize to her. I just stood there. I didn’t cry. I didn’t beg her. I didn’t apologize to her either.
She ended up taking me back inside the house since it was getting cold outside.
In a way, I have to admit that I am opinionated and only change my opinion about something if the explanation makes sense.
Aside from my boss(es) who pay me to do my job, I get irritated when someone else whether it’s Mr. FAF, his mom, or my parents tell me to do something which I think is unreasonable.
When someone is forcing me to do something I don’t like, my first thought is always trying to get away from them. That’s the same with marriage.
Related: The Free Article That Helped Our Marriage
A single life
Is a single life a better option than marriage?
I always find it amusing when married people wish that they were still single and when single people wish they were married. If only it was so easy to switch roles.
There are times when I wish I were still single. I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this marriage drama, doubts, and frustration.
The only thing that makes me hesitate, however, is our son.
He’s the most beautiful and important thing that has ever happened to me.
Wishing that I had never gotten married is like wishing that I had never had him, which makes me feel sad and guilty.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing now if I hadn’t gotten married. I think I would still have my current job since I got it on my own. I would probably wonder why I’m not married and may even go on dates.
It’s always funny to me what people wish for and then regret it once they get what they want. I guess I am one of them. The grass is indeed always greener on the other side.
I don’t know if I would be happier being single, but I’m sure my family would be nagging me about marriage whenever we talk. If that’s the case, I probably wouldn’t talk to them so often.
Related: The Pros & Cons Of Our Intercultural Marriage
Conclusion
I think that all of us have doubts about something in our lives. We all make mistakes on way or the other.
Sometimes the mistake is pure financial like getting in a ton of credit card debts, racking up unnecessary student loans, or buying a money-pit property.
Some mistakes are easy to fix. Some are difficult but just take time to fix. Some seem unfixable. And some are fixable but will leave considerable consequences for everyone involved.
I think marrying the wrong person is one of such fixable yet long-lasting mistakes, especially if there are kids involved.
You might think you can fix a marriage by leaving the current spouse to find another. But the emotional and even financial damage will linger for years.
I hope that no one will need to face such a dilemma. But the fact is that people do, and 50% of the time, people choose to walk away despite the consequences they might face.
And I think they do that because they believe that there’s a brighter future ahead of them that’s much better than the marriage they are in now.
It’s a personal decision. We just need to consider carefully, put everything into perspective, think long-term, and make the decision when the time is right.
Even if we made a mistake by getting married, it’s never too late to get it fixed and start over a new life.
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Deep question. In many ways, marriage is about compromise, so if both participants are not ones who can compromise, it may not work out, or there may be a lifetime of arguing and fighting. Also, it is easy to ‘talk’ compromise but not so easy to ‘walk’ compromise – over time, old habits definitely come back. But if both can truly compromise and meet somewhere in the middle, it can be very rewarding.
Keep working on it. I think marriage is tough for almost everyone. It took us a long time, but we’re comfortable with each other now. Good luck!
It’s certainly possible to have children without marriage, and marriage without children. I, too, grew up with parents who bickered constantly. I think much of it was because of the pressures of raising a family. That cemented my desire to not have children pretty early on, and I’m fortunate to have married someone who is similar in this regard (and others.) I like being able to wake up each day and choose to stay with this person, rather than feel tethered to them because of parental obligation.
I want you to know that you are not alone. I have had all of these same thoughts as you!
I’ve been married for 18 years. I wish I could tell you that marriage gets easier with time. It doesn’t. The partnership, however, in our case anyway, became richer or more solidified, for lack of a better word. We are supporting each other’s dreams.
Something to think about, if you’re divorced, you’re still going to have problems. Life will still be difficult.
Hang in there.
That is just the truth. There is no marriage without its own challenge. Our response to situations is what makes the difference.
Ha! So glad you put that disclaimer cause I would have been like what’s wrong?! Glad things are better!!
In the past years we’ve been married I’ve had the word divorce in my head exactly 3x. So once a year usually during the worst fight of the year. Not sure other peoples frequency but it’s also because he’s away at work a lot and we don’t have kids.
Two are better than one. That is the essence of marriage. If things seem not better, both of you have got more work to do to ensure you make your marriage work. Remember you grew up in different environment with different values and mindset. You need to be patient with each other and be willing to blend as fast as possible. How can the two work together except they agree. You cannot be doing your own things and the other doing his own things and think that things will work out. There is strength in unity. Have you not had that in unity we stand, divided we fall. Embrace each other’s weaknesses and strengths, Help your spouse to overcome his weaknesses and help him build his strengths.
I actually appreciate you the way you are very open. Without seeing you, at least I know some about you. The same way, if you read my blog, you will be able to say something about me. That is bloggers’ life for you.
Thanks for talking about this. I came pretty close to divorce a couple years ago and at times it still crops up in my head. One of the most comforting comments I ever got on my blog was from a long time reader who said that she had often thought that THIS was the last straw, that she was going to pack her bags and go to her parents’ – it’s just a reminder that we go through these downs as well as ups and those thoughts are natural. As two very different personalities, it’s not always easy – I’m def concerned about how stressful it will be once baby is born, but as long as we try to work together I’m sure we will make it through!
Marriage as with many things in life takes work. With marriage there is companionship and kids that you will enjoy. That’s why it is very important to find someone that you are compatible with. Dont setttle for less. Make sure you guys are on the same page on money issues. I am glad I married the person that has the same values as me.
Marriage is definitely a character building experience. The great thing about it is that when you are going through a tough spot, usually things are going much better with time and patience. Being direct, not letting anger fester and build up over time, and keeping good personal boundaries are helpful in carving out a good relationship with your spouse. We just made a big cross country move and our loving kindness was tested as we lived in a hotel as a family of 6 for 6 weeks.
We are basically the same people. I would love to meet you in real life and break all this down! I’m so glad things are going better, but gosh we are similar. I’ve commented here before, saying I chose to quit my marriage. Of course, every situation is unique and we didn’t have children, but I often asked myself that same question. Am I better off alone? Without this man? The answer was yes in pretty much every aspect. It’s not right for everyone, but it was right for me.
Thank you for tackling these issues on your blog! I love hearing others’ perspectives on this.
Someone once said that marriage is like a wall. Those who are inside want to climb out, and those on the outside so desperately want to get in.
Interesting analogy! Some even compared marriage to a toilet I heard 😉
Wow! I just came across your page. I am a PF enthusiast, but ended up in your page due to relationship advice. I came from your “found my ex got a new girlfriend on fb” post and started looking through your page. My ex, who I thought I was going to marry broke up with me and now has a new girlfriend. I think enough time has past but there are times when I feel “I was this close to marriage”. Just reading this post made me realized we do think the grass is greener on the other side. I am just going to work on becoming the best person (I am in my mid 20s) and love will come. Thank you! Your posts really help. You are honest, I love it.
I’m glad it helps, Lulu. One day when you look back, you will be able to see things differently. In a way, you might be glad things happened as they did. Working on becoming a better person is definitely the way to go!