Miscommunication
This is a real conversation between Mr. FAF and me a while back:
[Mr. FAF messaged me at work.]
Mr. FAF: There’s an event this Saturday. Do you want to go?
Me: What event?
Mr. FAF: [His company’s name]
Me: Really? What event?
Mr. FAF: Company celebration 2017
Me: I mean what are they going to do at the event? Any free food? What time? Location?
Mr. FAF: [Physical address of the place where the event will take place]. I think so.
Me: What are they going to do? Music, dance or potluck? Can you just copy and paste the invite in here? What time?
Mr. FAF: It’s internal.
[1 more minute went by]
Me: What are they gonna do at the event? Any free food? What time? Location? I’m asking a very simple question: What is that event? You sent 5 messages, and I still have no idea what it is. This is a communication problem. When I ask a question,
I expect a direct answer.
Mr. FAF: Food. No idea what they are gonna do.
Me: What time?
Mr. FAF: 12-3
Me: Ok let’s go.
If you can’t tell already, I lost my patience and my temper in that 3-minute chat with Mr. FAF. And no, it’s not because we weren’t talking in person. This type of conversation has happened multiple times in our marriage.
I would ask Mr. FAF a very simple question, to which he won’t answer directly or won’t answer at all because he assumes the logic is there, so I should know the answer already. But I don’t. And that’s why I’m asking him.
As a married couple, we should be able to communicate without any or much trouble. But sometimes I feel like I have to fight with Mr. FAF to get more information from him, which is frustrating.
And that’s when I realized we have an issue in our marriage. Mr. FAF is not good at communicating, and I am impatient.
Today, I will focus one of my biggest weaknesses that I’m trying to improve: Impatience.
What is impatience?
When someone is impatient, they are “not willing to wait for something to happen and becoming annoyed at delays,” according to Cambridge Dictionary.
The main problem with impatient people is that they want something to take place immediately and don’t want to spend time waiting for the outcome. And that definition fits me perfectly in both positive and negative ways.
Positive
1. Efficiency at work
One huge positive impatience has on my behavior is that I want to maximize my productivity in a certain period of time whether it’s 5 minutes or an hour.
Sometimes I’m just exhausted and don’t care about productivity. But most of the time, I want to keep track of what I have accomplished (i.e. finishing a task at work, writing a post, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen) in a certain period of time.
It makes me feel productive and happy. I am known at work for getting things done fast while not compromising the quality. There are cases where I act a bit hastily and should have consulted with other people on the teams before taking action.
But in general, my bosses (yes, I have multiple bosses at work) and co-workers are pleased with the speed at which I proceed. And that’s because my motto has always been “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”
Over the past 30 years of my life, I have never pulled an all-nighter. I am paranoid about falling behind the deadlines. And it’s also because I just can’t get anything done when I don’t get any sleep.
When given school work or a job assignment that we don’t like, some people choose to put it off until the last minute. For me, I try to finish it as fast as I can so that I don’t have to think about it anymore. And I try to do it well so that I won’t have to do it again.
Related: 6 Tips On How To Be Productive
2. Paying off debt fast
When I have a debt under my belt, I want to pay it off fast. I once paid off $14,500 of student loans which came as part of my financial aid package after 4 years of being a graduate student living slightly above the poverty line.
Getting rid of that student loans motivated me to live on a bare bone budget and prevent me from many unnecessary splurges. Mr. FAF and I have no consumer debt. And I am just itching to pay off the mortgage on our primary residence.
Related: We Just Put $15,000 Towards Our Mortgage Principal. And This Is What Happened.
Negative
Impatience has also caused 3 major headaches in my daily life.
1. Detrimental to my marriage
I fully understand that no one wants to have an irritable spouse who can blow up at any time of the day. Yet, I have to admit that I am that spouse.
The conversation in the intro of this post is a prime example. Mr. FAF wasn’t communicating his plan well. But I was just so eager to get his answers to all of my questions that I couldn’t wait for him to complete his thoughts or cobble together his piecemeal responses.
I wanted all of the answers in one sentence sent in one message, not two or five of them. I felt like I spent 4 whole minutes of my life trying to get the information that Mr. FAF could easily give me in 10 seconds. That, to me, was a waste of time and efficiency.
As his wife, I shouldn’t have to go back and forth with him so many times just to learn more about a social event. We have more important decisions to make in our marriage.
Yet, I just couldn’t proceed without knowing the full picture of what it was that we might possibly spend hours on on a Saturday. I wanted to know, and I wanted to know fast. That ensued, however, was a feeling of guilt and loss of efficiency.
Related: Are House Repairs Bad For Marriage?
2. Losing productivity
After I said “Ok, let’s go.” I just assumed that Mr. FAF was mad at me. He didn’t respond back, so I kept checking to see if he had sent me any new messages. I could apologize for losing my temper, but I was too proud to do that. I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong and have him use it against me in our next argument.
I could have asked him if he was mad, but I didn’t want to suggest that it was ok for him to be mad at me. Instead, I just waited for him to say something and couldn’t stay focused on my work.
By getting impatient, I wasted the next 5 minutes of my life worrying about my marriage. Mr. FAF soon messaged me back with a totally random story. It was a sign that he wasn’t mad, so I moved on with my life.
And later on, that incident served as an impetus for this post.
Related: The Costs Of Marital Conflict
3. Ruining the fun
Mr. FAF is a forgetful man. When we first started dating, Mr. FAF asked me these questions multiple times on a daily basis: Have you seen my glasses? Can you find my glasses for me?
It went on for months until I could no longer take it and told him I was done looking for his glasses, and that he should try to find them himself. Besides the glasses, he would constantly look for his wallet and his phone.
One time, Mr. FAF spent half an hour looking for his phone and later realized that he was holding it in his hand (?!). If you don’t think that’s a waste of time, then I don’t know what is.
What is frustrating is that he would often try to involve me in some of those “treasure” hunts in which I unwillingly had to participate.
Oftentimes when we’re about to head out for a family activity, Mr. FAF would delay our trip at least 15 minutes by trying to locate his wallet or car key.
While I try to find them for him, part of me gets infuriated at how disorganized and forgetful he is. My excitement for the fun trip by now has gone down by 50%.
Related: 6 Tips On How To Be Productive
What I have patience for
Despite categorizing myself as impatient, there are in fact many aspects in life that I have a lot of patience for.
1. Finances
I am very patient when it comes to saving and investing money. I’m happy to save 1 cent, 5 cents, and even a dollar and see the total amount accumulate overtime.
I don’t believe in get-rich-quick schemes. Anything that sounds too good to be true is probably not true (i.e. hitting a jackpot, becoming a real estate mogul overnight).
Related: How To Save Money With Substitutes
2. Problem solving
I also have a lot of patience when trying to solve my problems.
For example, when I was troubleshooting a technical issue with MailChimp, I spent more than 10 hours researching the problem and how to tackle it.
I only gave up when I realized that I had spent a huge amount of time on the problem without getting my results.
Related: 5 Surprising Things About Myself I Discovered Through Personal Finance Blogging
3. Building relationships
I personally don’t believe in flings and short-term relationships since I consider them to be a waste of time.
If there’s no future, why bother to get involved with someone in the first place? If I want to get serious with someone, I will spend sufficient time trying to get to know them.
Related: How Frugality Brought Us Together As A Couple
Conclusion
One time Mr. FAF did something great for the whole family. I asked him what I could do to reward him. He responded with three words: “Control your temper.”
I was both happy and guilty when I heard that. I was happy because his wish was so simple and didn’t cost any money. But I was guilty because it’s something I still can’t do successfully although it seems so simple.
Mr. FAF definitely has some weaknesses he can improve upon. But I know that it’s not an excuse for me no to do anything about mine. After I got married and especially after I had our son, I’ve found temper to get worse.
I’m not sure if it’s the stress of building a family or if it’s something I just let happen. I think since Mr. FAF is now my other half, I want to get him on the same page as I am: do things fast and don’t waste time.
But I need to understand that we are two different individuals with two different personalities and two career trajectories. There are things that I do that Mr. FAF is not good at such as communication.
But there are also lots of things Mr. FAF is good at that I’m not such as coding. I have no idea to code anything even if someone gives me a $1 million dollars as a reward for coding on the spot.
I am writing this post to express my thoughts and also as a reminder to myself that being impatient with my spouse is not good. That I should find more constructive ways to express my feelings rather than getting angry at Mr. FAF.
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“I would ask Mr. FAF a very simple question, to which he won’t answer directly or won’t answer at all .”
Lol congratulations you married an engineer!!! Welcome to the clubhouse!
This is a good reminder for any marriage. It might not be temper but it’s how your tone is too. I think tone is my issue because it sounds critical and more so then I want it to be when conversing with hubby.
Great point, Lily! I think my tone can be a bit annoying sometimes too. One time Mr. FAF accidentally recorded one of our conversations. And I was like “This is what I sound like when I get upset?!” Ehh
Right, work on your temper. 😉
I apologize on the behalf of all engineers. I think all those hours in the lab messed up our brains a bit.
Haha apology accepted. I wish I could get into Mr. FAF’s mind to know what he’s thinking sometimes. I do guesswork almost every day 😀
I cannot express to you just how much you need to RELAX.
Thanks, Sarah! I think I do need to loosen up a little bit. All of this talk about being impatient makes me realize I’m just too anxious sometimes (maybe too often).
Gotta agree with Sarah. You’re too hard one yourself, which in turns creates a vicious cycle where it’s internalised AND projected.
Yeah, I can let slip some of it like family, as everyone involved knows the stakes are higher and the game is on. Everything else… You gotta chill Sis.
Take it from me. When I was in a bad spot, I was irritable, intense, and serious all the time with those I cared about- I really couldn’t have fun. Keeping up with targets and averages, making good on negotiations, analysing business deals was a good distraction, but it just perpetuated the “obligation” to be “on” all the time.
I doubt I’ll ever be able to fully switch off because of my hyper type A, but you sometimes just have to make it a conscious effort. May when I’ll hit my current big goal, I’ll get back to you on it. 😉
“You’re too hard one yourself, which in turns creates a vicious cycle where it’s internalised AND projected.”
I think you’re right! I was so hard on myself and projected those feelings onto Mr. FAF. I rented it when he didn’t do as I expected. I’m learning how to be more positive and flexible these days. It’s made a huge difference on my mood and marriage! 🙂
Oh wow…this has happened to me and my wife also! I’ll admit I sometimes go off on a tangent when I should just give a direct answer. And definitely, there are times both me and my wife will assume the other knows something or that the logic is there…but of course you can’t assume that. It’s even harder now because when we’re talking, our kids are trying to talk over us or telling us to be quiet because they can’t hear their cartoons! =)
It’s very brave of you to admit that there are things you can improve upon in a marriage. Sometimes I can sense something is off, but I can be too stubborn to admit it. I hear people say communication is key in a marriage, and I’m finally realizing what that means! 😉
I can sort of relate! My husband tends to say vague things and assumes that I know what he is talking about! Out of the blue he’ll say something like, “I told him that it wasn’t going to work!” And I’ll say, “Who are you talking about?! What?!” It drives me crazy! He does it multiple times every day… I’m detail oriented and try to avoid ambiguity when I talk, so I guess opposites do attract!
Ahh yes! That happens to me too! I’d like “What? Who? What just happened?” I feel so lost and agitated sometimes when he just makes a random comment out of nowhere expecting me to know what it is he’s talking about @_@
“If you pour a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable. But if you pour the salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash, and drink. The river is immense, and it has the capacity to receive, embrace, and transform. When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can’t accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Wise words. Thank you, Bob! 🙂
Oh man, this happens between Mother with Cents and me sometimes especially after Baby with Cents was born. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or what but we were impatient because we wanted to get certain task done and we would blame each other for not handling it. But as time passed, we would tell each other to calm down, relax and figure out if the issue is really that urgent.
I think you may need to do the same with your communication with Mr. FAF. Try not to be too anxious especially if it’s not really important.
Ohh it’s really difficult to control temper, but I’d suggest learning meditation, because it helps a lot to have a clear view in any situation.
But yeah, I’m also after productivity but some others can’t see the productivity mindset that we have. Related on productocity: https://zeroprogrammer.com/2018/08/16/productivity-in-your-daily-programming-life/ ,its for programmers, but may be helpful…
Cant wait to know how you’re dealing with your temper on your next post!
I’ve definitely had conversations exactly like this! My husband is terrible about being late (but I’m the one who loses keys :)) My new strategy is to ask myself why I feel impatient. Maybe it’s because I’m anxious about missing the show. Maybe it’s because I want to put in a good face and look put together for someone. Whatever it is, I can examine the motivation. If it’s a dumb reason, I can keep it to myself or discuss it with my partner. If it’s a valid reason, I can say that directly instead of losing my temper.
Thanks for sharing the ups and Downs of marriage. Too often on social media people just show the smiley happy times but the truth is a marriage is work everyday with challenges to overcome as a couple but with each challenge looks like it strengthens you together too.
This is such a relatable post, and this is just my 2 cents’ worth, but I think this could be because of stress. And this stress is self-projected! You expect too much of yourself in the shortest time possible and that makes you more irritable. I understand because I struggle with that too. But I’ve found ways of decreasing my stress that lead to me being less irritable – managing my expectations, and being mindful and present. It’s a work in progress, definitely, but I’m happy to say that it’s been working a little!